Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
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*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”