“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
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*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
oh my god
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man