[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
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I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
How to make infinite energy.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
they finally got him. they got macavity
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
real
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on