My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
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I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019