I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
You Might Also Like
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
guys I’m going home
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉