Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
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[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore