Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
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I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.