It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
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My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
a fate I wish upon no one
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh