Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
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Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Only Americans understand
you gotta be faster
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels