My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
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“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
There’s never enough good news
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave