“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
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I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
2022: I can fix it
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy