An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
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