Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
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As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,