Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
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It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you