me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
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I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.