WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
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hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.