my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
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how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
#merica
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi