I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
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Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.