My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
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“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.