If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
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Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?