Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
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I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
They did not miss in the small print
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
These aliens are taking forever.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.