Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
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Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”