Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
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Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks