I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
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Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?