Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
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Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.