[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
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People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
(Gaming support cat.)
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?