A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
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So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Note to self: always read the final line
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I mean…but I did
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.