Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
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*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Good morning, Twitter x
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!