*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
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Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.