“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
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i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
ok this is my dumbest yet
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.