[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
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YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?