My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
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My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.