Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
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Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Not all heroes wear capes….
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond