it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
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A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Monday
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!