My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
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Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”