The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
You Might Also Like
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Perfect
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
When you can’t find your friend Neil
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.