If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
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If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Current mood: Potato
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?