Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
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Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.