[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
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Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
#JohnTravolta
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Easy enough.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.