There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
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“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.