(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
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I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.