Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
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A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.