I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
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[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average