I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
You Might Also Like
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Life is a suicide mission.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics