I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
You Might Also Like
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
“our sushi is very fresh”
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.