Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Cheer up.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.