I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
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I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.