The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
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Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests