“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
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It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
why no one uses midhusbands
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around