Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
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Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Brilliant!
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue